Yesterday I joined Weight Watchers. I did it for real this time. I actually committed to buying the membership, and not just popping in until I lose about five pounds and disappearing. So the challenge begins this week of committing to exercise and recording every morsel I pop into my mouth.
I actually started to notice the weight a few months ago, but I wanted to ignore it. At the time, I was busy on the job search, writing a book, raising a daughter, living. Clothing felt a little tight, and then they felt obscenely small. Finally I stepped onto the scale, horrified by the number.
Wow, that number is high! Part of me fills with terrible panic. How will I ever lose this weight? Where did it all come from (because there is so much of it)? Another part of me looked in the mirror and shrugged. Perhaps I could pull off wearing sweat pants with my tunic clergy shirt. That's right, I have one of those tunic clergy shirts, little sister of the Mu mu. Anyway.
So, I have started with some exercise and portion control. I have also been reflecting on how I gained this substantial weight. Then this thought came to me, I am more substantial now. I have more substance, maybe that substance is filled with olive oil and cream cheese, but I do have more substance.
Perhaps I needed more substance to weather the storms in my life. I needed a little more weight within myself so I could stay on my feet when the wind blew. I realize now how much stronger I feel now. I feel more confidence because I went through a difficult time. I felt frightened and I was shaken, but I was not left alone. I changed.
I learned more than I have ever learned in easier times. I changed from who I was. I used to be very naive, but I am wiser now. I had to confront truths about myself that I did not want see, and once I knew the truth, I had to transform. Part of me mourns that woman, but the more substantial part realizes that I needed to grow up.
While I do not wish to go through another rough patch, I know that I will, but I will have more substance, more in my reserves to survive and thrive again.
So, I am a woman of substance, and I am working on it!