I missed reading the book Salvation for Dummies that has all these rules about levels of sin and which Biblical scriptures to take literally and which ones to interpret and which ones to simply ignore and how to get your ticket punched so that you know God really loves you and all who think and believe just like you, but readily smites those who disagree or differ from your world viewpoint. But I think I can glean a few key points:
1) Reason has no place in religion. Thinking leads to ideas, ideas lead to questions, and questions are simply the devil's subversive way to steal your soul.
2) While the Bible may say, "Love your neighbor," remember, sinners aren't your neighbors. They are sinners and must be shunned. Don't say they are bad, though. Simply smile and say, "Love the sinner, hate the sin," remembering that in this case, love means marginalizing them from your faith community and helping denigrate them in society as a whole. If someone brings up Jesus's dining with sinners, see # 3.
3) Make holy scripture work for you by selectively choosing which scripture passages to a) strictly interpret according to the English translation of the Bible; b) randomly interpret as long as doing so does not make you look hypocritical; and c) ignore completely when doing so interferes with your theology (see: Lev. 19:9 et al.). If someone starts saying things about revelation over time, tell them they are unorthodox and refer to #1.
4) Jesus loved dinosaurs. The scientific evidence is in a Florida museum. In fact, the donkey he rode into Jerusalem on may have, in fact, been a baby brontosaurus.
5) We were never related to apes. Not that our current and past religious and political leaders don't often make us wonder, but nonetheless...
6) God speaks American English and loves us most. If God didn't, why is the Bible written in American English, except for the King James Version, and it's only in King James English because American didn't exist. But if it had, it would have been in American King James English.
7) Forgiveness is only an idea in theory. When the church catches someone in need of forgiveness, members of the church should shame them and relegate them to neighbors who are sinners; therefore, you don't have to be nice to them.